blog here

who's reading this....

just wondering.....who's reading this blog of mine....

the counter jumps...but i have no idea who may have been reading this blog......

~puzzled~

dun wanna go home...

really dun feel like going home now....

really......

feel like crying again....as usual....nothing interesting....which day have i not shed any tears yet? :(


cant cry here...im in the lib now...not gonna embarass myself....have embarassed myself umpteen times oredi...STOP IT

___ walked home oredi.... ____ forgot abt me..... ____doesnt even rem that im here....

it hurts..once again....how many many many more times must i hurt myself..im a sadist...

i really am...what i do nowadays is just to inflict pain upon myself...tats what i do...

how silly is that....how silly....

came to the lib with that silly and stoopid hope.....how stoopid a gal i am...

its one of those times tat u just feel like killing urself and put an end to everything...

if only i can fall into a deep deep deep coma and suffer from amnesia when i wake up...

if only...

if only i can forget everything..every single thing tat has happened in my life b4....both the happy and the sad times...

its just so suffering....

do i need help...? i dunno.....im scared....im worried...im anxious....

i HATE emotions..i HATE them...they are nothing but little devils creeping into my mind ALL the time, i repeat ALL THE TIME.....

i dun dare to step out of lib....i dun dare to walk home by myself....i dun dare to go home.......

i dread everything....every every thing tat is happening ard me....the feeling of dreadiness....can anyone understand???!!!!

a few more days...just a few more days.............................................................................................

~~~patience is the best virtue~~~

im sick....sob sob

im sick...

down with the winter flu....

bad season.....germs are flying all round....

hate this period of the year, it makes me vulnerable...esp so when there is no one to take care of me anymore...

started from a bad throat after having suga...then bad cough..then a flu today....

guess byron's watson's tissues have finally come to good use....

vulnerability................

ate porridge at oaky's place...felt so homely....love it...but it made me teared abit.......

dun think i wld ever have the chance to cook home cooked food on my own..just dun have the mood to do so...no one for me to cook for anymore...no one......

wads the pt of cooking for myself only....no pt no pt...

i miss cooking for my loved one...for him....the bliss, the joy....

well, will nv get to do that anymore..........................................

i miss him...i seriously do...........................

missing u.....where are you............?

housemate problem

cant stand it anymore....maybe i shld just stop...even this week...just stop man....y do u keep torturing urself...u r such a sucker for pain...

just 1 week...1 more week and its over....

hold on to it for a few more days gal....prepare for it....

once its done, u will feel more relieved u know it...

u can roughly guess what's gonna happen...

______________________________________

its certainly not easy staying with a working adult....to be more specific, a 28-yo working german guy...

well, i was told im nv satisified with whatever i have....just 3 weeks into this new place and i oredi said i wun stay long....

im nv satisified with whatever i have?maybe i used to be lydat...but this case is definitely different....

dun make assumptions like this like u know me very well, like u know wads going on in my life RIGHT NOW....like u understand how i bloody FEEL right now....like u can pick my faults.......LIKE YOU CARE!

Jens (my german housemate) talked to me this afternoon.....

he said due to the differences in our living habits, we have 4 options:
1) i move out
2) he move out
3) we both move out
4) we stay for the next 3 mths to come, and i will certainly move out..but meanwhile we have to make compromises and arrangements .....

okie, the reason for him saying all these:
1) he wants the house to be cleaned every week, like one week he will do the kitchen and living room, and i will do the bathroom and toilet....every week, i repeat, EVERY WEEK...i tried requesting for cleaning once in 2 weeks, and he gave me an immediate NO...i was damn bz the whole of last week, so i only got the bathroom and toilet cleaned 3 days ago, and guessed what he said? the toilet is dirty!!!!! WHAT THE F***?! its the cleanest toilet i have ever seen and he actually said its dirty!!!! OH MI GOD!!!! so he said im not being very responsible in terms of cleaning te house
2) the fact tat i bring frens home occassionally....like when byron stayed over one night till abt 3 am....the next day he asked me try not to bring frens homs during weekdays, cos he needs to wake up early the following day...if i want to, then we have to keep noise level down...well, i did...josh came over 2 nites ago for abt 10 mins, we were looking thru the ssav pics, and we oredi spoke reasonably softly, and guess wad he did..he came over to my room and told us he needed some sleep and closed my room door...okie, i admit i din close my room door, but HEY, we were very soft okie!!! we din even laugh or joke ard!!!

get the whole pic now....?

barely a mth and this kindda thing has to happened oredi...what more is to come in the next 3 mths if we continue staying with each other???

~~ma, i want to come home~~~

~~~sob sob~~~~

u think moving out and in is so easy??!!! staying with a new stranger is not hard??? adjusting to a TOTALLY NEW ENVIRONMENT is so easy??!!! with no frens at all as ur neighbours is so easy??!! with all working ppl as ur neighbours??~~ always coming home, open the door, and see the whole house so dark??!!! staying in this old-looking apartment with no frens ard???!!

seeing yvonne moving into my room??!!! leaving seascape???? leaving the place i LOVE LOVE LOVE the most in australia?? leaving my room?!??

yeah, u may say tat im just not being independent/strong, not being satisified with what i have.....fine, i have nothing to say if u think tat way...just take me to be a 'nv-satisifed-with-wad-i-have' person...

just one more week gal...it will be over in one week's time....bear with it okie....meanwhile, dun hurt urself again.........

MMN 2004 - Rendezvous

cant believe that MMN is over...when i say its finally over, it doesnt only mean im relieved tat its over, but also tat im a little lost now that its over. no more MMN meetings, no more worries abt the night itself, no more work with him etc etc....

happy and sad at the same time.....

(my fingers are so so so so cold that i cant even type properly now...cos just came back from oaky's place...the weather today is extremely cold and it has been drizzling the whole day!)

getting back to MMN....

the night was very bz for me...trying to be ambitious, im the only D&E person for MMN this yr...thou i have 2 other helpers on that night...but i was the main person running ard...

din even have time to eat my fish man...had a few bites, and when i came back, everything is gone.....

and the service of CC (Carlton Crest) sucks big time...there were always no waiters or waitresses ard when i needed them; and they din even ask the guests if they wanna drink anything....when i asked Penny (the banquet person-in-charge), she said they will provide only upon request....what the?!

and the biggest prob of all was that the 2 performers rooms were so damn far away, pity me and song yee, 2 gals wearing heels to walk across the hotel to and fro for many many many times!!! arrgghh....

and was suffering from a very bad sore throat and cough earlier in the day oredi, so almost lost my voice when i had to give instructions to many ppl....had a little squabble with ryan...sorry lar, was really bz and just wanted u to help me throw away the rubbish only mah..dun scold me.....

the first 1 hr or so of the nite was a bit slow and boring...cld feel that.....was actually quite worried abt it when i was walking towards the very far awar performers room at one pt of time...furthermore, wasnt feeling very comfortable in the stomach atthat time...tot it cld be due to gastric...cos i only had 2 sushis for the whole day

tot i mgt even faint....luckily not....heng ah..

fortunately enuff, things start to pick up after the dancesport performance, when the 2nd game started.....din expect the response for game 2 to be so enthusiastic...ppl were rushing to the emcees to pass them the answer slips when me and ren were supposed to go ard and collect them....

oh forgot to mention, i was really glad that everything managed to start on time!! yay!! was an achievement, considering that balls usually start late...hehz....

funktap was a little little bit too long; dancesport was way too short; fire was excellent!! =) ; lebop was fun! (cos many ppl actually went up to the dancefloor and learned the steps)

am really glad everything went well..seriously.... :)

after everything was over, saw sth, and just started stoning at my seat. fangwei came over and asked how i was. the warm feelings surge up again, and b4 i knew it, my best frens-tears came rushing out again...

the loft experience was the worst ever in my life...the anger was so strong that my tears actually came out ard haf an hr after my anger dies down a little...

oh my god...that instant, i felt like i almost wanna get driven over by a car, and just die......

sigh

one of the worst feeling ever, in fact, i think its the worst feeling ever...

shall not think abt it anymore......my room will be flooded if i do.....

stayed over at seascape, slept on the floor, wasnt very comfy and it was cold...cldnt sleep for very long, cos i kept waking up...geesh, i wonder y huh...

but the morning was good :) it really made my day ;)

exam timetable

slep at abt 2am, and woke up at 6am to prepare my journal article presentation later at lab (8am)...

but having been having a very terrible sore throat....just took another fisherman's..hope it works...no panadol at new home....

gotten the draft exam timetable:
JPL1020 01/11/2004 PM 02:00
PSY3062 02/11/2004 PM 02:00
COM3060 11/11/2004 PM 02:00
COM3020 12/11/2004 AM 02:00
PSY3062 25/10/2004 PM 02:00
PSY3032 27/10/2004 AM 02:00

6 papers.....god bless me....

=( sob~sob~

slept only for 4 hrs but yet dun feel sleepy at all when i woke up...but well, it has been lydat since it happened....automatically wake up at 4plus am, then 7plus am....

probably too many things on my mind....cant have a good sleep....for the past one whole freaking mth!

looking very much forward to MMN tonight...will be kept busy the whole time...however....

however, IT will either become very much beter, or very much worse.....not abt MMN, that is....

with me as D&E, im sure it will be good! hahahaha.....*fingers crossed*

i ve gone thru the detailed itinerary again and again, just to make sure everything is fine....and i THINK i din miss out on anything...

have to call the performers again to make sure they r bringing their own music.....

hmmmmmm....i wanna go back home Singapore, andlooking at my timetable now, i oso dunno when i shld go back, since i finish so late.....hmmm....

shall i stay for oaky's, charmaine's, alvina's, sharon's, sze min's etc granduation?? i wld liek to, but that wld mean i have to stay for another 2 weeks, and which means i cant start my hol job in sg early enuff !

hmmmmm.......

still thinking......

never had i realised the importance of being at home, and wantng to go home as much as i want now....nv realised the importance of family until it happened...well, at least i learnt sth i guess...

3 more mths, 3 more mths and i can go home!!!!

hold on "man"!!! hahahhaha

'complaint' again

josh bot me fisherman's and had one soother (with lq centre) from him =) sore throat feels slightly better now..thanks :)

the star fruit bubble tea din work very well just now...

jens complained again..that he needed to sleep and came to my room and closed my door for me while josh was here....

comon' man, we werent even talking or laughing out loud...we actually reduced our volume! and he actually came over and said, 'i need to get some sleep'....

oh mi god....

josh said, 'yeah i understand what u mean abt ur housemate now'....

finally, some1 understands what im going thru....

told shengwei over icq last night, i wun be surprised if i break down during this period of time. i almost reached my peak....

but he said sth that gave me support..."u r one of the most independent people i ever know, dun disappoint me okie.."

thanks shengwei!!!

=)

that really means alot

so much mixed feelings that im not gonna waste my energy venting everything here .... shall leave it to my mind....